We took our family beach trip to Nags Head while school was still in, in order to take advantage of the pre-season price. Austin missed one day of school (he attended MWF). I went to his final “normal” day at school on Friday the 20th. Other students last day was Monday the 22nd & Graduation was on Wed. May 25th.  My husband joined us at the beach on Monday. My oldest sister kept my dad, so he was well taken care of & fed while we were gone (she cooks better than me ! We had a great time at the beach! The boys love playing in the sand & putting their lil’ chairs, close enough so when the water came up, it’d wash their feet. We also visited Roanoke Island Festival Park- we walked thru some outdoor historical sites that were set up, which was really neat. We walked on the Elizabeth II ship, tried on some old armor…just had a great time. We also went on Jockey’s Ridge. I remember climbing Jockey’s Ridge as a child & have a cute picture that was taken of me, when I was 5 years old, there. The boys LOVED running down the sand & Sean got a mouth full of sand a few times! When my husband came, we took the boys to the aquarium & they enjoyed looking at all of the underwater creatures.

Going to Nags Head is pretty much a yearly thing for us, as we’ve done so ever since I was a child, even if it was only for a day or two. Up until this year, we’d always stay at the same hotel that I stayed at with my sister & husband back in the mid 90′s, when I was 15 years old. Mom & our family would also go to the beach, & did every summer when she was diagnosed with cancer, & we also stayed at that same hotel. That’s my favorite picture of here at the beginning of this post – I took it at our 2008 beach trip. The boys & I went the same hotel last year with a good friend of mine but this year, I needed to stay somewhere different. I think we will stay there in the future too, as they have a really nice Pirate ship playground & two kiddie pools. Hopefully we can go again before school’s back in. Rooms were okay but we don’t go to the beach to stay inside . On the way back, we got stuck on a bridge for 2 hours!! The drawbridge got stuck & they had to send someone to fix it. In the meantime, we had to entertain two small boys. Everyone got out of their cars & walked around. There was even a news channel videoman on the bridge & he videotaped my boys on their buggies. So glad I brought them on our trip!

I can’t believe my oldest son has completed Pre-K! I cried at the graduation when they played a video of photos on the large screen with the song “Let Them Be Little”. Aw man, so sweet what a tear jerker! Austin stood tall & proud on the graduation stage. And each child was asked what they want to be when they grow up. Austin’s answer was “An Artist”. I loved that…he was the only one that said he wanted to be an artist, so I like that he has his own thought & mind, & didn’t copy anyone else’s answer. He’s very creative with his LEGO blocks- some of the things he can create, amazes me! We have loved his teachers…he attends school at our church & he started last year, during the 2nd half of the year. He was able to get the same teacher this year & I think that really helped Austin transition & grow. My baby’s getting so grown!! :’(

Here are some pictures of the beach trip & graduation…

So I have to share this story that really touched my heart. Ronan Sean Thompson: May 12, 2007-May 9th, 2011. A little boy that I did not know, has made such a huge impact on my life. He is from Arizona & the only reason I heard anything about his story, was b/c people on Facebook were spreading the word about releasing purple balloons on his birthday. He died after battling Neuroblastoma, which he was only diagnosed with, in August of 2010 I believe was the month. His mommy, Maya Thompson, started writing about their cancer journey & battle in a blog: http://rockstarronan.com. I have read & read & cried & cried. This lil’ boy’s smile is so contagious, so sweet. I have hugged & kissed my boys so much more…life is short! I am so blessed to have two healthy boys. I know sometimes I take the minutes I’m with them, for granted. I am not guaranteed another day, nor am I guaranteed time with them as this story so demonstrates. My heart breaks for Maya, her husband and their twin boys who lost their baby brother. Maya writes her blog with no words sugar coated, no emotions left out. I am so grateful to have “met” her so to speak & she will do great things…I just know that. I feel like I know Ronan too…I prayed that God will put him in touch with my mom in Heaven & give him lots of hugs & kisses. Is that crazy to ask in a prayer? Maybe. But, I am going to believe. His mommy has a long hard road ahead & her life will never be the same. I can’t imagine losing one of my boys. My heart aches thinking about it & thinking about this story. Did I say I HATE cancer? Yes, even more so now. My eyes have cried many tears, for a lil’ boy I don’t even know, other than pictures & words written by his mom.

There are a ton of pictures of Ronan’s sweet face on Maya’s Flickr photostream. I did a printscreen of two of my favs below. I didn’t want to just take them, so I’m just sharing what you would see, the same as if I posted a link to it. We love the Fedora hat on Ronan- I think I may get Sean one of those. He likes accessories And both of my boys have been told Ronan’s story.

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

May 4th, 1945…Elizabeth “Betty” Louise Foster came into the world. A beautiful soul that birthed 5 children & was married to her childhood sweetheart for almost 49 years when she took her last breath, 12 days before her & dad’s anniversary (July 5th, 1960). I always, ALWAYS spent mama’s birthday with her unless I was living in another state, which was one year I missed. I hate cancer. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate is a strong word & I mean it strongly. Hate. It took the one person in my life, who really really loved me unconditionally. I have tried to wrap my brain around everything, I’ve had what if thoughts, I’ve had, I should’ve thoughts…many of those. I know I spent a lot of time with my mom, I know we were super close…but I still, STILL wish I spent more time, talked to her more…she knew I loved her, I told her that often. She did not deserve this. She did not deserve to die, not like this. I know we all are going to die, I’m not trying to live in a dreamland but I still think mama had so much more she could do…so many more people she could positively influence. Grandkids who could benefit from her invaluable wisdom…mine especially since they ware the youngest. My oldest son was 3.5 years old when mom passed & he still talks about her vividly…asks me all the time if she’s coming back. 2 weeks is the number he always asks about: “Is she coming back in two weeks?” And he says he wants to see her. He talks about things that were at her house, things my mom used to say…he’s 5.5 years old now and I just hope he holds onto those memories, so he can share them with his lil’ brother. Sean was only 10 months old when mom passed. He took his first steps in the hospital hallway, down from her room, the day she passed away.

So, with all that being said, it’s obvious this is a difficult season for me…I say season b/c her birthday is May 4th, Mother’s Day follows the next week…the anniversary of her passing is June 24th & my birthday is June 25th. A lot of emotions to deal with in a 2 month period. Mother’s Day I worked at our restaurant for a few hours, to help my husband out. He gave me an amazing Mother’s Day gift…which is the picture at the top of this post (pink ribbon cookies). He’s so thoughtful! I am so grateful for my good friend Kim, who kept my boys. I have definitely gained a lot of great friends through one of my church groups called Celebrate Recovery. I started attending b/c of grief, 7 months after my mom passed. I attend every Thursday & started singing on the praise team a few months after I started which has really been a blessing. I have uncovered a lot of other things & I have been working on my grieving for almost a year now & have come a long way. I will never ever stop the tears should they form at any time when I think of mom, but I have come to terms & accepted it & know she would want me to be happy & not continue to be depressed. Even though I went on a rant in the first paragraph of this post…I know I have to keep living.

It’s extra sad knowing my dad doesn’t really have a grasp on what happened to mom. He seems to think she’s still alive, but somewhere in the house. One time I asked him “Do you know where mom is, dad?” He said “I don’t know, she’s around here somewhere, probably in the bed.” I’m assuming he said that, even though it was daytime, b/c my mom was an RN who worked a lot of nights & had to sleep during the day. Or he could be remembering her when she was in bed/slept a lot in the months leading up to her passing. It does get to me when I think “Man, I’ve really lost both my parents.” I have had trouble trying to take care of dad, simply b/c he won’t really talk to me when I ask questions, he’s almost stopped using the bathroom on his own…this may seem disrespectful to talk about in a blog but I mean it in the most humble way…this is what happens when someone has Alzheimer’s. Changes happen that you can’t really prepare mentally for & I’ve come to the realization, I can’t do it for much longer. I’m not equipped mentally to take care of him, in the capacity that he needs. It’s been hard trying to explain it to my kids. I think it’s hurting them in their understanding of respecting elders simply b/c of how I need to talk to dad sometimes. Austin will quote me here & there & say “pop pop’s brain is sick, so that’s why he did that.”

Finished up this semester, thank goodness! (without totally losing it!) For the online Nutrition class, I really didn’t apply myself like I wanted to & ended up with a C. I so could of, SO could of gotten an A in that class. I messed up one of the 2 projects which dropped my grade almost 10 points & the final was at the college…I did okay with it but I was so nervous b/c with this class, you had to get a 70 or better on the final or you would fail no matter what your grade was up to that point. I don’t usually do well with multiple choice tests but this one was okay. I’m just glad I passed & all I have now are the 2 classes that I withdrew from earlier this semester, to get through, next year. I have great friends who have encouraged me & told me that anyone with all that I have had going on, would have had a hard time. But I just put so much pressure on myself b/c I like being good…I like being great at everything I attempt & I get depressed when I feel I can’t live up to my own expectation of myself. I need to teach myself how to work on class material, a little bit every day so that I can learn it vs. cramming- which does not work with the level of material I have to learn.

Ok. Tired of talking about myself for now Here are some pictures of mom & I. The one on the left was on her 60th birthday…we just found out that she had cancer. The one on the right was her 64th birthday…her last birthday. I planned a surprise party for her as she had just gotten back from MD Anderson Cancer Center in TX, in which they gave her a couple months to live. We had around 50 or so people show up. She was so happy to see everyone & I loved giving her birthday parties. She was so giving. She left the server a great tip…argued with me about it, told me to let her do it I loved her spirit.

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

Easter Egg Hunts! We are a family that celebrates the resurrection of Jesus & my oldest son, because of what he was learning in school, often talked about the cross. I love having him learn about things I learned as a child, at school. Haven’t decided where he’s going to start kindergarten yet…that’s a really hard decision for us. Class Party! I made cake balls that were supposed to look like an egg & stuffed inside a bunny egg, for his school egg hunt. Hopefully they tasted better than they looked lol. You can view by clicking on the thumbnail, then again on the picture for a larger view….

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

I started a new semester in January at the community college…& it’s so far not going great. I signed up for Chemistry…took it in high school & in college but b/c it was more than 5 years ago (10 years for college/16 years for high school)…I have to take it again. Also signed up for Anatomy & Pysiology II, Nutrition online & a Health Orientation online class. These four classes were the last ones I needed in order to apply for Nursing School entrance. I was so excited & really thought I could get thru it but boy was I wrong! I ended up withdrawing from Chemistry & then shortly after, from A&P II- it was a night class & I just could not keep up. The Chemistry class I was in, started at 9am & my son’s preschool didn’t start until 8:50am, which did not give me enough time to get to school, search for a parking spot, walk to class & in my seat before class began.

One of the reasons I had so much anxiety was b/c of my business being so busy. I received orders for approx. 100 items in less than 2 weeks; Jan & Feb did as much business as I would usually do in 4-6 months! Which was amazing & I loved it but with all going on, I honestly felt I was going to have a heart attack! Anxiety level had topped off & something had to give! Considering my grades were super important to get into nursing school, I knew I wouldn’t be able to bounce back & give enough to make it thru the semester so I had a peace about withdrawing. Also, my dad became worse & more dependant on me in certain areas so that was also a factor. I’d rather be sane & alleviate major stress, than continue & lose my mind.

I’m going to try to do my best in the Nutrition & Health orientation class. I really don’t want to damage my GPA so I hope I can push through as those classes are the easiest of the four. Only setback is, I am now a year behind application to nursing school b/c they only accept applications once a year but I’m really going to be okay. In all reality, I probably should’ve waited to go back to school…at least until both kids were in school full time b/c it’s ridiculously hard trying to study at home with my kids- they are all boy & love to run around & be loud. My ADD just cannot focus with all the distractions in my house! Yes, I definitely believe I have ADD! I’ve always had a problem with my mind bouncing around from one thing to another & it has really gotten bad but I am hopeful with taking off the stress of two classes, that things will calm down soon! It has to get better!

Below are some samples of my Valentine cards!

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

Christmas time has always been my fav-o-rite time of year- the whole entire month, right after Thanksgiving…I love it. I always spent time on Thanksgiving with my dad’s side of the family but since my mom passed & my dad’s sweet older sister passed, families have done their own thing. It’s kinda sad but I know it’s difficult adjusting to having lost 2 of our most loved & supportive/”the glue” family members. My mom always made Christmas a warm, loving & time centered around the birth of Jesus. I was truly blessed to have parents who cared so much about me.

Since having my first son, the month of December has become quite busy~ his birthday is 2 days after Christmas & since opening my Etsy shop in 2008, the weeks just before December & the few after, have been one of my busiest times. I’m so thankful to have customers who keep coming back year after year! I really love that I have an outlet with my graphic artistry. I call myself a graphic artist or digital artist. Not sure if I rightly deserve that kind of title b/c I’m still kind of a beginner although I can create some pretty neat things IMO I still have the MAC computer my husband got me…had it for almost a year, still unopened. I’ll open it one day, especially if my current computer keeps acting up!!

Anyhoo. So this month has been quite busy finishing up my first semester back to school, my Etsy orders, get togethers & my son’s 5th birthday! I can’t believe he turned 5! We had a LEGO Star Wars party & I had the best time planning the party. The kids seemed to enjoy themselves…I dressed up like Princess Leia thanks to one of Austin’s friend’s mom, who also had a Star Wars themed party in Dec. I’ll post some pictures below. Christmas was good this year- I love watching my kids come in the living room on Christmas Day & see all their goodies. And every year, a lot of our gifts come from my husband’s oldest sister, Deborah. She is the sweetest, most giving person. I am HORRIBLE about letting her know how much I appreciate all she does. That’s bad enough & I’m mentioning her here, where she’ll never probably see it (so wrong!). So I have to do better with that I know. She even sends presents for my dad, even knowing that he probably wouldn’t even notice b/c of his Alzheimer’s but she still puts that extra care & thought & wraps all her presents as if they came from a boutique! I can get so caught up in my world, fast paced & sometimes don’t stop & smell the roses so to speak. I gotta get better at that…Those who show they care should be cherished & told how much they mean.

2011. Wow. I hope it brings new possibilities, health, happiness & a newfound freedom. I am thankful, truly thankful, that I have another year… That my dad is still with us. My heart still aches for not having my mom…just to bear hug her one more time & kiss her cheek would be bliss for me. I want to be who I am supposed to be in this world but if I can be anything at all like her…she is just amazing. Not going to say it in past tense b/c she is not forever gone. She is with me. She IS amazingly wonderful. My lovely mom.

I’ll come back & post pictures of my son’s party very soon!

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

Ever since Austin had his VCUG test (catheter/kidney ultrasound) last month, he’s been very clingy to me, not wanting me to leave when I drop him off for school. He will cling to me & scream bloody murder!! Thankfully, he has great teachers that help wedge him off/redirect his attention but they’re also firm in saying that’s enough too. They know I’m in school & can only stay but so long. I just have to jet & not linger & hopefully he’ll get passed this. My oldest kitty cat Hannah, who is my indoor/outdoor cat who sometimes dissapears for weeks, came home yesterday with a really bad open wound on her ear/head area. I took her to the vet this morning & they treated her with a shot of antibiotics that would release on it’s own. I just have to keep the wounds clean.

Today, 12/2/10, I went to get Austin from Play Date after my Anatomy & Physiology lab & he was hiding under the indoor playground slide. He was screaming & would not come out! I just thought he didn’t want to leave & was being stubborn but they said he got under there just before I arrived & wouldn’t come out, saying his arm hurt. I went to him & he would not let me pick him up for fear I would hurt his arm…I finally convinced him to let me help him up & he was in tremendous pain. I immediately took him to our Dr., which was only about 1-2 miles away & they said his elbow had been dislocated & had to pop it back into place. Boy, did Austin scream! After the Dr. popped it back, he was fine & not in any pain, thank goodness! I followed-up with Play Date to let them know & we found out his lil’ friend barely tugged on Austin’s arm while they were playing & it popped out of joint. Austin even said his friend didn’t mean to, it was an accident. Apparently it doesn’t take much & it can happen more easily now but hopefully it won’t! My lil’ men have been thru a lot lately! Have so much to be thankful for but I hate it when they’re in any kind of pain!

School is going okay. Finals are right around the corner! Hard to believe I’ve almost made it thru an entire semester! I am making A’s & B’s right now which I’m proud of…it hasn’t come easy. My Etsy orders are pretty steady which adds to my list of to-do’s…my house is still a mess. We passed our final inspection for our addition back in Oct., but there are things we just haven’t finished. Some walls still need paint around the trim area on top & bottom…I did pretty much all the priming & painting…guess I just got burnt out a bit & couldn’t go back to finish the part needing the most concentration? I don’t know. I’m just tired. I feel guilty b/c I need to study, I need to work on Etsy orders, need to spend time with my kids, need to spend quality time with my dad, with my husband…time with my husband is usually when he gets home b/w 10-11pm, on the couch watching TV b/c I’m about passed out from exhaustion by that time. And on his days off (Mon/Tues), I have class, need to study or work on Etsy orders…I have also been working on Austin’s birthday party, which is ”Star Wars Lego” themed this year. He loves his Lego men but he also has been playing the Star Wars Lego game on the Wii. He is addicted! I have to limit him b/c he will play all day if I let him! I have his invite ready- on the front, I created a design & put his name spelled out with his own Legoes that I took a pic of & I also found a neat group SWL pic online to use. On the back, a pic from each of his 5 years & a pic of one of his Lego men. I love how it turned out!

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO. 

The very next day, I put the boys down for a nap & they would not go to sleep. Sean kept getting up & I had recently went in there to let them know they really needed to take a nap & to please try & go to sleep. Few minutes later, I hear a loud thump & then screaming. I recognized it as Sean & quickly ran towards their room & thought he tripped on a toy or something. I immediately pick him up & said “did you trip on a toy” & looked at his face & totally freaked out! He had blood all over his face/mouth!! Apparently, he took his lil’ scooter-buggy thing & tried to turn on his bedroom light while standing on it…it slipped out from him & he fell on something & whatever it was, created a gash above & thru the pink line of his lip. It was a wide cut & I immediately knew he would need stitches. My beautiful baby boy! Course he’s still beautiful but to get stitches so young!! 2 years old! Called my husband frantically & told him he needed to come home b/c we had to go to the ER. When we got to the Pre-ER across from the hospital (the after hours place), we waited for an hour & then were told to go to the main hospital ER because a pediatric plastic surgeon would need to put the stitches in b/c it went past the pink line of his lip. We spent another 6 hours at the hospital & they had to run some tests to ensure his nose wasn’t broken b/c it was swollen & he was given a sedative. Seeing an IV in my lil’ boy’s hand was one scary thing. He did great overall & boy were we all tired when we got home. I did let him have some ice cream at 11:30 at nite but he only ate a couple bites. Boys will be boys I guess & boy am I in for something!!

I love and miss you mama, bunches and bunches. You were and still are my heart…XOXO.